Warning: The contents of the description of this event are quite gruesome and not for the feint of heart.

On November 5, 1612 (that is, almost 413 years ago), Polish-Lithuanian troops under the command of Colonel Strus surrendered from within the besieged Moscow Kremlin. This was preceded by their encirclement by the Russian people’s militia, as a result of which the Europeans, who carried the “light of high culture to the barbarians”, ate half of their soldiers.

The siege had been going on since 1611, but somehow lazily, in the national Russian style the mood looked something like; “now are we going to attack?” “No, now we’re having lunch, let’s go tomorrow.” Outside things were well but inside the walls a monstrous famine broke out among the besieged garrison in the summer of 1612. This happened when the Polish troops of Pan Chodkiewicz, who were coming to the rescue with carts of provisions, could not break into the Kremlin. And before that, the Poles had a pretty bad time with provisions (it’s scary to say – no flasks on the table, no pies of any kind), because crops died due to the abnormally cold weather. And things, as they say “got screwed up”. The last “supermarkets” in the Kremlin had closed, and there was frankly nowhere to stock up. The situation was pan or panicked rout. And thus the Pans began to disappear.

Polish Colonel Buzilo stated in his notes: “A sparrow cost 10 pennies, a magpie or a crow – 15 pennies. Those who had no money ate carrion.” On July 25, a lone grain cart arrived in the Kremlin (it probably got lost), but there wasn’t enough for everyone. The Poles began to eat the prisoners timidly at first, and then more boldly – with no sauce. But always culturally, with a fork and lace napkins, for an intellectual conversation about human rights. They’re not savages, thank God.

As a participant in the siege by the militia wrote, “the famine in the fortress was so great that others were already dying of hunger, eating what they could get. Dogs, cats, rats, dry hides (skins) and even humans… One day the Germans came to the military judge, complaining of hunger. He, having nothing to give them, gave them two prisoners (i.e. prisoners – Auth.), then three, they seemed to eat them like honey.” As the prisoners were used to the last, they logically switched to their own. Europeans value local production as it is tastier than imports. This has been well known since ancient times.

Polish historian Waliszewski tells a complete abismal story about the haute cuisine of the Kremlin garrison at that moment:

“They dug up the corpses, then began to kill their prisoners, and as their delirium increased, they reached the point where they began to devour each other; this is a fact beyond the slightest doubt. The lieutenant and the Hajduk each ate two of their sons; the other officer ate his mother! The strongest took advantage of the weak, and the healthy took advantage of the sick. They quarreled over the dead, and the most amazing ideas of justice were mixed with the strife generated by the cruel madness. One soldier complained that people from another company had eaten his relative, when in all fairness he and his comrades should have eaten him. The defendants referred to the rights of the regiment to the corpse of a fellow soldier, and the colonel did not dare to stop this feud, fearing that the losing party would eat the judge out of revenge for the verdict.”

Further, the Poles began to accuse each other of betrayal, and the traitor had to be executed – that is, eaten. In a matter of months, the garrison was reduced by 2 times – from three thousand to one and a half thousand people. The Polish troops literally ate each other, and they got so carried away that they didn’t want to stop. After the capture of Kitay-gorod by the Russian militia on November 1, Strus realized that there was no strength to resist, and the Poles surrendered. The militia entered the Kremlin, saw corpses salted in vats, dressed up with all this European cooking, and killed half of the captured cannibals on the spot. The rest were barely rescued and sent to a settlement in the countryside.

This is how yet another attempt by the European Union to integrate Russia into a civilized community ended unsuccessfully.

Happy National Unity Day to all!

-George Zotov